Me.. being vulnerable.

Wow, it has been a long time since I published a post on here.  Today, I am not reviewing anything.  I am just sharing a little bit about myself.  In October, I am turning 40, which means I did a lot of introspection.  My anxiety became so bad that I have been on sick leave since April. I was using alcohol to self-medicate and I was smoking way too many cigarettes a day.  All of that together meant that I was in a constant fog.  Everything was so hard to achieve, in the end, just cooking dinner was a big success.  I am not ashamed of myself, not anymore.  There was a lot of self-acceptance that needed to be done on my part.    Way more than I originally thought.  I was fine with being gay and I must say that my current relationship is showing me what true love and support really are.  What I had yet to accept, was some parts of myself.

At the root of everything, there was my huge fear of being boring.  I have been fighting all of my adult life to fit into a mold, to feel like I have something to give in the world, to be entertaining. Fighting to have that social life that television and people were telling me that I should have.  It didn't work out well for me.  At the end of every single day, I was so exhausted that I was not even able to do a single thing for myself.  So I let myself go.  I thought that it was something wrong with me and went to a psychotherapist, my doctor prescribed me medication and so on.  Last week, I realized that I am an introvert and that I need to respect myself.  My oxygen is music and books, that is part of myself, it is my passion.  It might not be as honorable than fighting crime, volunteering for people in need or being a nurse, however, it is who I am.  I spent so many time in my life watching everyone doing what they loved and feel I should be able to do the same, but it was not working this way for me.  I find solace in my passion.  I would love to do coaching and reviewing books and be sharing my passion. It was a time for me to let go of all those comments and feelings that other know best what is good for me.  There is no mold for me out there, and it is perfect that way.

A couple of weeks ago a synchronistic event happened in my life.  I saw an email in my inbox and it was a giveaway on facebook.  I didn't know the author and haven't heard about the book before.  It was a little voice inside of myself telling me I should attend that launch party. I decided to connect to the event and unexpectedly I really connected with the author: Patricia Yager Delagrange.  She told me how much she appreciated our discussion on Facebook and that single event has been the start of becoming at peace with myself. Little by little, it built back my confidence and really show me the way to go.  I ended up winning Mending Fences book and I will make sure to publish a review here in the near future.

I don't have social phobia, socializing is just taking a lot of my energy and I don't enjoy at all doing small talk.  I get that some people are a social butterfly and I am glad that they are able to connect and feel good while doing so.  You know, I am just being myself.  Am I proud of all the reviews that I committed to doing and wasn't able to finish; not at all.  Am I proud to have let down people that were believing in myself? Nope.  I am not a victim. just a man that did what he thought he had to do to survive.  The thing is I had gotten it all wrong.  I see clearly now, and to those that were disappointed by my actions, I apologize.  I am not quite sure that someone will read this post, it doesn't really matter.  What that matters is that I fully realized one thing: you have to follow your truth, the truth of who you are.  Trying to make you fit in a mold will break you.   I wanted to share, mainly because I don't wish to my worst enemy to go see a doctor because your family thinks you are in psychosis because you are just not able to take it any longer.  That doesn't worth it.  If people are going away or judging you so be it.  Being with those who really love you and understand you are all that life should be about.  Following your passion as well.  It took me a lot of hardship, self-sabotage, and alcohol to bring me to my knees.  Don't wait until you are at the end of your rope, there is help all around you and you are the only one that can commit to living your truth, no one will ever know what's best for you.  Much love for ya all! A special Thank you to my hubby:  you will never know how much your love helped me these last 2 years

P.S. What next for this blog... well I have a couple of ideas! This month I decided to revisit 3 novels that I read in my early teenage years,  I am planning to share on that and also go back to publish some reviews.